| HOT WOMEN JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 05:04 PM PDT
| HOT WOMEN JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:27 AM PDT HOT WOMEN JOKES www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my
door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!
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A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The
subject of the day is involuntary
muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks
the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
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What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a
huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke
her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her,
stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked ... with beer. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a
woman howling on the front porch? The dog shuts up when you let it in.
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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few
nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone
poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs!"
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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. She picked it up and
rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked
if she was going to receive the usual three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can
be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"
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10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
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Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that
since the fall of the Taliban,
wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now
walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. "No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
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A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a
packet of bacon, a small bag
of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet
you're single, aren't you?" "Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?" "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
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Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.
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How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
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A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how
fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."
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A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an
examining room and waits for
the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and
finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc
starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and
thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No
wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I
don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
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 | | INSULT JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:19 AM PDT INSULT JOKES
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Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle
cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished
the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started to write a third ticket! This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled
insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So
the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the
way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall
on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate
love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the
floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
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A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I
wish I had bigger tits".
The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue
and rub it between your tits for 2 months". "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend. "Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.
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 | | COMPUTER JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:15 AM PDT COMPUTER JOKES http://www.laughingtonpost.com/ WINDOWS JOKES
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you
open Windows.
MICROSOFT VS GM JOKES At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to
the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating (by Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy
a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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 | | CONDOM JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:11 AM PDT CONDOM JOKES http://thewinningmind.blogspot.com/ HOW TO OFFER CONDOLENCES TO A WIDOW JOKE Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her
daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the
world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she
undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of
black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks,
"Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my
body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the
same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in
his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a
black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black
condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
WOMEN VS CONDOMS
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. BUYING A CONDOM JOKE A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms.
The cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes." "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?" "Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers. The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and
measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the
fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the
other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the
man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it
be? Small, medium, or large?" The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of
that fence back there!"
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 | | CARS JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:07 AM PDT | | HOT BLONDE JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:05 AM PDT BLONDE JOKES http://daily-insults.blogspot.com/ Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the
other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and
argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit
them.
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What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!
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What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
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What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.
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What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it
gets blood.
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What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She comes out and says she did it.
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. -----------------------------------------------------
Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?
To see what was on the other side. http://daily-insults.blogspot.com/
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 | | Bill Clinton Jokes Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:03 AM PDT Bill Clinton Jokes http://bangjokes.blogspot.com
Bill Clinton Abortion
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the
President. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?" "Just go ahead and pay it." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about
yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate
importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most
important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come
and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton
responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most
important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God
asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I
think you are sitting in my chair".
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Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then,
I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw
all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
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SAFE SEXX ACCORDING TO BILL CLINTON JOKE
What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. BILL CLINTON VS HOLES JOKE Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and
President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers? O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over
water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole! THE CLINTONS AT A RESTAURANT JOKE Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish." Hillary replies. HOW TO BECOME CLINTON'S FIRST LADY JOKE Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? She wants to be the first lady.
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http://fastseductionmanual.blogspot.com  | | MENSTRUATION JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:00 AM PDT Beautiful Jokes
http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com/
NASA JOKES
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. THE BAD NEWS JOKES George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
SEXTATISTICS JOKES
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it! THE FU*CKING MAP JOKES
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual
three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes
to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!" PENGUINS JOKES
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with
penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the
truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls
the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins
to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!" RECTAL THERMOMETER JOKES A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a
co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
MENSTRUATION JOKES
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself." WHERE TO SPIT JOKES
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on. FIGHTING 4 3RD GRADE JOKES On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon
as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I
should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please
take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I
don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!" Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and
the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first
grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions
that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon
discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals
that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a
cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher. "Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants
that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher. "Pockets!" said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in
third grade, I missed those last two questions!" A VIRUS NAMED WINDOWS JOKES
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay,
Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does
that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug. SCREWING THE REPORTER JOKES A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad
Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause
of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?" DEAD LAWYER JOKES
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk. LAWYERS VS TERRORISTS JOKES
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met. UGLY BUYER JOKES
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a
packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at
the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?" "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
GOLFER VS SKYDRIVER JOKES
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK. UFO'S VS BLONDES JOKES What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
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http://thesuccessuniversity.blogspot.com/  | | ASS JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:53 AM PDT A*S*S JOKES http://jokedictionary.blogspot.com/
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?
His as*s.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come
to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the
thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns
blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going
to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ...
If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking
car!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your mama is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light",
he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
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 | | ANIMAL JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:50 AM PDT ANIMAL JOKES
HUNGRY ALLIGATORS JOKE
http://jokeencyclopedia.blogspot.com/ A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent
mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming
pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with
hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an
executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO.
So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage
to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to
the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job,
my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO
on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone
turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool,
swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and
makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls
himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing.
I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond
measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who
the hell pushed me in the pool!!" JESUS IS WATRCHING YOU JOKE A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft
voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his
imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is
watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a
cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot
said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a
parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would
name their pit bull Jesus".
MOTHER MOLE JOKE
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful
spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of
the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the
hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole
ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple
syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole,
was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
THE BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG JOKE
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets
in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
A SHOPPING RABBIT JOKE
A rabbit came to a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller
answered, "Noub!" The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got
any carrots?" The seller retorted, "No!" Next day the rabbit came and
asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "NO! And if you come
again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall
by your ears!!!" Early the next morning rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?"
The seller answered, "Noub!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
LONELY FROG JOKE
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the
Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal
Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her,
at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
SEXX WITH A PARROT JOKE
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an
old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything
crazy in your life?" The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk
one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son." MAD COW DESEASE JOKE
So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said,"I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
RIDDING BAREBACK JOKE
An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to the nearest town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out
a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When
they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off. "Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service
station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off. "Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..." HOW TO GET A FREE DRINK JOKE
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the
bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free
drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal,
toilet's right down the hall." LAB RATS JOKE What did one lab rat say to the other? I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the
buzzer, he brings me a snack. MARATHON SEXX SESSION JOKE A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients. However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ... This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ... THE MEANING OF BOSS JOKE A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on
the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks
the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a
computer". The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do
plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the
question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be
honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him
boss!" HOW TO PROTECT MONKEYS JOKE
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare
into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The
man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." HOW TO KILL A FISH JOKE How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it ... CAPTAIN KANGAROO JOKE Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal." http://jokeencyclopedia.blogspot.com/ --
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http://www.laughingtonpost.com  | | Adult Jokes Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:48 AM PDT Adult Jokes http://jokeuniversity.blogspot.com/
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's
room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the
bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I
need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying
on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran
to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while
moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he
had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically
alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef." "Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the
gardener."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six,
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to believe in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programming is like sx:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an
old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man. "What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything
crazy in your life?" The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk
one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid
down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he
insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a
decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my
buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether
you're here or not."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and
this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just
roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take
a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tell me a bedtime story."
"Fuck you."
"That's my favourite."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy
looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at
least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the
husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one
day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the
middle of it.
She realizes her husband is using a cucumber! She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage.
He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him,
calling him a "stupid cheating bastard." He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain
our 4 kids!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and
nobody laughs at you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients. However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ... This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him
back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for
the bedroom.
Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the
room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly
smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed
animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase. After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went. The 1st girl writes: M&M's. Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand." The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good." 3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Killing for peace is like fu*cking for virginity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog
pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll
stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and
puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a
talking frog is pretty neat." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her." The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time. But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of por-nog-raphy:
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 | | ADAM AND EVE JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:45 AM PDT ADAM AND EVE JOKES http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook
for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you
to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a
brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you
Lord, that Was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and
now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So
the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions
and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?" http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com
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| Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!? Posted: 17 Sep 2009 10:11 AM PDT
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Country : Italy
Height : 171 cm
Measurements : 84-60-88
Giorgia Palmas (born on 5 March 1982 in Cagliari, Sardinia) is an Italian television personality. She became famous by appearances in the Italian television show Striscia la notizia.
Palmas began her career in the year 2000, winning second place at Miss World, losing out to Miss India Priyanka Chopra. In 2001, she was in Buona Domenica, as a microfonina. In 2002, she won the television show Veline, becoming the brunette velina, in pair with Elena Barolo, the new blonde velina. For two television seasons, 2002/2003 and 2003/2004, she was a velina in Striscia la notizia, gaining her a lot of popularity. After leaving Striscia la notizia she appeared in Italia 1 summer edition of Lucignolo, with Elena Barolo. In September of the same year she was in Rai 1 show, I Raccomandati. She was chosen to be testimonial of "Cotton Club" brand underwear. In February 2005, she appeared in a photoshoot on Max Magazine. In June 2005 she was in CD Live Estate on RAI 2. She has been confirmed also for the next season.
Source : Wikipedia -- www.igituba.org www.althotgirls.comwww.laughingtonpost.comwww.myvagina.org www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com |
| HOT WOMEN JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:27 AM PDT HOT WOMEN JOKES www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my
door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The
subject of the day is involuntary
muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks
the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a
huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke
her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her,
stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked ... with beer. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a
woman howling on the front porch? The dog shuts up when you let it in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few
nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone
poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. She picked it up and
rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked
if she was going to receive the usual three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can
be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that
since the fall of the Taliban,
wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now
walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. "No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a
packet of bacon, a small bag
of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet
you're single, aren't you?" "Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?" "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how
fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an
examining room and waits for
the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and
finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc
starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and
thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No
wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I
don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
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|
| INSULT JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:19 AM PDT INSULT JOKES
http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle
cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished
the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started to write a third ticket! This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled
insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So
the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the
way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall
on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate
love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the
floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I
wish I had bigger tits".
The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue
and rub it between your tits for 2 months". "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend. "Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.
--
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|
| COMPUTER JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:14 AM PDT COMPUTER JOKES http://www.laughingtonpost.com/ WINDOWS JOKES
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you
open Windows.
MICROSOFT VS GM JOKES At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to
the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating (by Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy
a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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|
| CONDOM JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:11 AM PDT CONDOM JOKES http://thewinningmind.blogspot.com/ HOW TO OFFER CONDOLENCES TO A WIDOW JOKE Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her
daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the
world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she
undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of
black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks,
"Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my
body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the
same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in
his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a
black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black
condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
WOMEN VS CONDOMS
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. BUYING A CONDOM JOKE A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms.
The cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes." "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?" "Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers. The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and
measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the
fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the
other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the
man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it
be? Small, medium, or large?" The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of
that fence back there!"
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|
| CARS JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:07 AM PDT |
| HOT BLONDE JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:05 AM PDT BLONDE JOKES http://daily-insults.blogspot.com/ Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the
other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and
argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit
them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it
gets blood.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She comes out and says she did it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. -----------------------------------------------------
Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?
To see what was on the other side. http://daily-insults.blogspot.com/
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|
| Bill Clinton Jokes Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:03 AM PDT Bill Clinton Jokes http://bangjokes.blogspot.com
Bill Clinton Abortion
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the
President. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?" "Just go ahead and pay it." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about
yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate
importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most
important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come
and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton
responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most
important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God
asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I
think you are sitting in my chair".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then,
I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw
all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
------------------------------------------------------------------
SAFE SEXX ACCORDING TO BILL CLINTON JOKE
What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. BILL CLINTON VS HOLES JOKE Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and
President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers? O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over
water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole! THE CLINTONS AT A RESTAURANT JOKE Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish." Hillary replies. HOW TO BECOME CLINTON'S FIRST LADY JOKE Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? She wants to be the first lady.
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| MENSTRUATION JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:00 AM PDT Beautiful Jokes
http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com/
NASA JOKES
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. THE BAD NEWS JOKES George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
SEXTATISTICS JOKES
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it! THE FU*CKING MAP JOKES
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual
three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes
to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!" PENGUINS JOKES
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with
penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the
truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls
the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins
to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!" RECTAL THERMOMETER JOKES A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a
co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
MENSTRUATION JOKES
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself." WHERE TO SPIT JOKES
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on. FIGHTING 4 3RD GRADE JOKES On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon
as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I
should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please
take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I
don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!" Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and
the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first
grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions
that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon
discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals
that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a
cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher. "Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants
that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher. "Pockets!" said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in
third grade, I missed those last two questions!" A VIRUS NAMED WINDOWS JOKES
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay,
Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does
that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug. SCREWING THE REPORTER JOKES A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad
Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause
of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?" DEAD LAWYER JOKES
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk. LAWYERS VS TERRORISTS JOKES
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met. UGLY BUYER JOKES
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a
packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at
the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?" "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
GOLFER VS SKYDRIVER JOKES
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK. UFO'S VS BLONDES JOKES What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
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| ASS JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:53 AM PDT A*S*S JOKES http://jokedictionary.blogspot.com/
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?
His as*s.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come
to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the
thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns
blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going
to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ...
If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking
car!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your mama is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light",
he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
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|
| ANIMAL JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:50 AM PDT ANIMAL JOKES
HUNGRY ALLIGATORS JOKE
http://jokeencyclopedia.blogspot.com/ A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent
mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming
pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with
hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an
executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO.
So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage
to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to
the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job,
my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO
on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone
turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool,
swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and
makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls
himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing.
I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond
measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who
the hell pushed me in the pool!!" JESUS IS WATRCHING YOU JOKE A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft
voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his
imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is
watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a
cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot
said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a
parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would
name their pit bull Jesus".
MOTHER MOLE JOKE
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful
spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of
the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the
hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole
ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple
syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole,
was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
THE BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG JOKE
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets
in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
A SHOPPING RABBIT JOKE
A rabbit came to a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller
answered, "Noub!" The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got
any carrots?" The seller retorted, "No!" Next day the rabbit came and
asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "NO! And if you come
again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall
by your ears!!!" Early the next morning rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?"
The seller answered, "Noub!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
LONELY FROG JOKE
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the
Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal
Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her,
at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
SEXX WITH A PARROT JOKE
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an
old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything
crazy in your life?" The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk
one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son." MAD COW DESEASE JOKE
So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said,"I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
RIDDING BAREBACK JOKE
An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to the nearest town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out
a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When
they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off. "Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service
station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off. "Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..." HOW TO GET A FREE DRINK JOKE
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the
bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free
drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal,
toilet's right down the hall." LAB RATS JOKE What did one lab rat say to the other? I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the
buzzer, he brings me a snack. MARATHON SEXX SESSION JOKE A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients. However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ... This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ... THE MEANING OF BOSS JOKE A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on
the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks
the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a
computer". The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do
plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the
question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be
honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him
boss!" HOW TO PROTECT MONKEYS JOKE
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare
into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The
man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." HOW TO KILL A FISH JOKE How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it ... CAPTAIN KANGAROO JOKE Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal." http://jokeencyclopedia.blogspot.com/ --
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| Adult Jokes Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:48 AM PDT Adult Jokes http://jokeuniversity.blogspot.com/
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's
room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the
bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I
need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying
on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran
to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while
moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he
had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically
alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef." "Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the
gardener."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six,
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to believe in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programming is like sx:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an
old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man. "What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything
crazy in your life?" The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk
one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid
down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he
insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a
decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my
buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether
you're here or not."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and
this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just
roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take
a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tell me a bedtime story."
"Fuck you."
"That's my favourite."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy
looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at
least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the
husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one
day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the
middle of it.
She realizes her husband is using a cucumber! She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage.
He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him,
calling him a "stupid cheating bastard." He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain
our 4 kids!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and
nobody laughs at you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients. However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ... This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him
back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for
the bedroom.
Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the
room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly
smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed
animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase. After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went. The 1st girl writes: M&M's. Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand." The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good." 3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Killing for peace is like fu*cking for virginity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog
pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll
stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and
puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a
talking frog is pretty neat." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her." The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time. But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of por-nog-raphy:
Reading material to be held in *one* hand http://jokeuniversity.blogspot.com/
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| ADAM AND EVE JOKES Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:45 AM PDT ADAM AND EVE JOKES http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook
for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you
to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a
brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you
Lord, that Was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and
now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So
the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions
and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?" http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com
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