| A Jesus Joke Posted: 18 Sep 2009 05:43 PM PDT
| A Jesus Joke Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:29 PM PDT Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
--
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | Satan Jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:22 PM PDT Get The Hell Out Satan Jokes
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just
won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!" -A Satan Joke
----------------------------------------------------------
One Dollar Bill at Church Satan Jokes A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've
you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a
cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a
while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of
stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church,
church, church." -A Satan Joke ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Divorce or Satan in Action Satan Jokes
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself." -A Satan Joke --------------------------------------------------------------------- A gang of robbers Satan Jokes A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted.
"We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had
$100 when we broke in!" -A Satan Joke
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SATAN VS MYTHOLOGY
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. -A Satan Joke http://satanwire.blogspot.com/
http://kingdomofsatan.blogspot.com/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Show me your leg-Eyes full of women Satan JOKES
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me
$1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their
wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll
show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation
continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you
where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the
distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" -A Satan Joke ------------------------------------------------------------------
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Infidelity Satan Jokes
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3
golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home
from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his
dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every
time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the
drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I
guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what
is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them. -A Satan Joke http://templeofsatan.blogspot.com/
http://king-satan.blogspot.com/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
F--UCK HE'S DEAD JOKES
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy
working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story,
when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to
land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss
looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick
crashed to the ground. The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy". Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the
brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he
was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the
building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice,
fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD" -A Satan Joke
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 | | God jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:17 PM PDT COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
TO HIDE FROM A POLICEMAN
What not to say to the nice policeman: Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off
my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control. VACCUUM SALESMAN A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and,
without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and
threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this
new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the
dirt." The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I
had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity
bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a
knife and fork?"
STOP AND ASK DIRECTIONS
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.
NEW JERSEY HUNTER
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
ESKIMOS VS FRENCH
If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for "snow," does this
mean the French have a thousand different words for "surrender?" HOW TO MANAGE A COMPANY
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is
replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have
left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if
you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes
wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it
all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the
first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He
does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the
company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
NEVER ARGUE WITH AN IDIOT
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.
BEST THING TO DO TO A POLITICIAN
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one
day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful
scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living
nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the
wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you
buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all
dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."
LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE MARKS
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he
surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a
spanking!"
SMACKING THE ASSHOLE
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to
frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the
asshole in the head.
IN A MEDICINE CLASS
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He
took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To
be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and
taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth." HOW TO MAKE A MAN WARM FOREVER
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
HOW LAZY WOMEN COOK
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire
station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke
detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
FOOTBALL ADDICT
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front
of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his
wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven." He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?" THE PSYCHO PATH
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path. TRICKS TO HAVE SEXX WITH GOD FEARING GIRL
A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her."
The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time. But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"
PRINCESS FROG
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog
pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll
stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and
puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a
talking frog is pretty neat." A BAG FULL OF FRUITS
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and
red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The
teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But
I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long,
yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've
got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've
got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she
cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter,
but I like your thinking!"
NOW YOU'RE FUC*KED
There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and
crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells
him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs
her.
The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and
asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been
kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her. The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again.
He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has
not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of
the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: "Now you're fucked." YOU'RE NEXT When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals. --
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | Feel Good Jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:14 PM PDT Feel Good Jokes
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
SOCIAL WORKER VS MUGGER
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your
life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I
have no money and no life." LOTTERY JOKES
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just
won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
MAC JOKES
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
MERITS OF HAVING A WIFE
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems." The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work. PREPARE THE ENVELOPES
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is
replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have
left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if
you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes
wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it
all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the
first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He
does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the
company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes". MEETING RULES FOR MANAGERS
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you
as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -
it's what everyone is waiting for.
FREE HOTLINE 4 MATH PROBLEMS
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
MATHEMATICIANS VS PHISICIST A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not
connected to the hydrant. What would you do? P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire. Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and
saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do? P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on
fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form. CUTE MAP READING The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." MICROSOFT SUCKS The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the
day they start making vacuum cleaners.
HOW TO BECOME A GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
MICROSOFT TECH SUPPORT
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple
of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is
fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out.
He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel
and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening
in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the
fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open
window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies:
"You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275
degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's
runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and
die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did
it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building
a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but
absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support
office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of
87 degrees."
MICROSOFT WINDOWS CD
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic
messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will
install Windows.
FAMILY OF MOLES
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful
spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of
the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the
hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole
ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple
syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole,
was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
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 | | Everyday Jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:13 PM PDT Everyday Jokes http://www.laughingtonpost.com
OLD ITALIAN MAFIA DON JOKE
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his
bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45
automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really
don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od
bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be
with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, "TIMES UP"? HOW TO LOVE A WOMAN JOKE
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you
to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a
brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you
Lord, that Was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and
now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So
the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions
and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
THE ASSASSIN MANAGER JOKE
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor
told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a
farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the
farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought
that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting
in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his
surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to
cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager
will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was
done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the
farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one
box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of
the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the
potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult
jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and
dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions. WHATS A PERIOD JOKE
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself." HONEYMOON JOKES A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went. The 1st girl writes: M&M's. Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand." The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good." 3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."
HURRICANES VS WOMEN JOKE
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.
MATHEMATICIAN VS PHYSICIST JOKE
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not
connected to the hydrant. What would you do? P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire. Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and
saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do? P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on
fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
WHO IS THE IDIOT JOKE
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said
the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself."
BLONDE VS COMPUTER JOKE
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to put information into a computer once.
VISITING AFGHANISTAN JOKE
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that
since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind
their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist
asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. "No", the man replied. "Land-mines." KILLING VS FUCKIN JOKE
Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
WHY NOT TO KILL JOKE
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong? THE LAW OF PHILOSOPHY JOKE The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an
equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
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 | | DRINKING JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:11 PM PDT DRINKING JOKES http://thelovemanual.blogspot.com One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the
bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded
to beat the living shit out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and
said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the
Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first." http://thelovemanual.blogspot.com
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 | | DOG JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:09 PM PDT DOG JOKES http://www.laughingtonpost.com
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft
voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his
imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is
watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a
cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot
said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a
parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would
name their pit bull Jesus".
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A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets
in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
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What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a
woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London
during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to
find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed
a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed
woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat,
hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him. "Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?
Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?" The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty
British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her
comfort for you." The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over
... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The
woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man
sitting across from her lowered his newspaper. "You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ...
you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out
the window." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the
bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free
drink?" The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal,
toilet's right down the hall."
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A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at
the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then
the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine
down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on
and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was
printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks. That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical
science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated
into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it
in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same
buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following
message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come
to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the
thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns
blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | DOCTORS JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:08 PM PDT DOCTORS JOKES http://www.laughingtonpost.com/ An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in
first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the
old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and
bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns
the light on for me." The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes
into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?"
he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's
nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at
night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea
what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again."
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A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a
choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the
Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's
which was £100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the
Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man. "not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
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A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency
room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart
transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says,
"you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to
choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a
social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's". The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them
before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers
are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll
take the attorney's!"
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An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his
money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put
this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in
a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I
only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair
the roof of the church." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only
put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for
the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I
want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a
check for the full $30,000."
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A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.
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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a
co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients.
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ... This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ...
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | DEBT JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:11 AM PDT DEBT JOKES BEST TIME TO REPAY A DEBT JOKE http://thedebtkiller.blogspot.com/
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly,
armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?" The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
http://thedebtkiller.blogspot.com/
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | DEATH JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:08 AM PDT DEATH JOKES http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/ If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed
when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. "But why?" asked his
puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"
The man leaned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of
them that died and not one of us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know what the death rate around here is?
One per person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and
nobody laughs at you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy
working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story,
when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to
land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss
looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick
crashed to the ground.
The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy". Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the
brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he
was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the
building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice,
fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm
never going to stand in line again!" http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/ --
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | CHILDREN JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:06 AM PDT | | Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!? Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:05 PM PDT
| Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!? Posted: 17 Sep 2009 10:11 AM PDT
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Giorgia Palmas
Country : Italy
Height : 171 cm
Measurements : 84-60-88
Giorgia Palmas (born on 5 March 1982 in Cagliari, Sardinia) is an Italian television personality. She became famous by appearances in the Italian television show Striscia la notizia.
Palmas began her career in the year 2000, winning second place at Miss World, losing out to Miss India Priyanka Chopra. In 2001, she was in Buona Domenica, as a microfonina. In 2002, she won the television show Veline, becoming the brunette velina, in pair with Elena Barolo, the new blonde velina. For two television seasons, 2002/2003 and 2003/2004, she was a velina in Striscia la notizia, gaining her a lot of popularity. After leaving Striscia la notizia she appeared in Italia 1 summer edition of Lucignolo, with Elena Barolo. In September of the same year she was in Rai 1 show, I Raccomandati. She was chosen to be testimonial of "Cotton Club" brand underwear. In February 2005, she appeared in a photoshoot on Max Magazine. In June 2005 she was in CD Live Estate on RAI 2. She has been confirmed also for the next season.
Source : Wikipedia -- www.igituba.org www.althotgirls.comwww.laughingtonpost.comwww.myvagina.org www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com |  | |
| A Jesus Joke Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:29 PM PDT Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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| Satan Jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:22 PM PDT Get The Hell Out Satan Jokes
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just
won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!" -A Satan Joke
----------------------------------------------------------
One Dollar Bill at Church Satan Jokes A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've
you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a
cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a
while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of
stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church,
church, church." -A Satan Joke ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Divorce or Satan in Action Satan Jokes
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself." -A Satan Joke --------------------------------------------------------------------- A gang of robbers Satan Jokes A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted.
"We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had
$100 when we broke in!" -A Satan Joke
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SATAN VS MYTHOLOGY
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. -A Satan Joke http://satanwire.blogspot.com/
http://kingdomofsatan.blogspot.com/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Show me your leg-Eyes full of women Satan JOKES
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me
$1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their
wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll
show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation
continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you
where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the
distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" -A Satan Joke ------------------------------------------------------------------
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Infidelity Satan Jokes
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3
golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home
from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his
dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every
time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the
drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I
guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what
is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them. -A Satan Joke http://templeofsatan.blogspot.com/
http://king-satan.blogspot.com/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
F--UCK HE'S DEAD JOKES
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy
working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story,
when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to
land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss
looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick
crashed to the ground. The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy". Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the
brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he
was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the
building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice,
fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD" -A Satan Joke
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|
| God jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:17 PM PDT COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
TO HIDE FROM A POLICEMAN
What not to say to the nice policeman: Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off
my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control. VACCUUM SALESMAN A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and,
without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and
threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this
new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the
dirt." The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I
had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity
bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a
knife and fork?"
STOP AND ASK DIRECTIONS
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.
NEW JERSEY HUNTER
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
ESKIMOS VS FRENCH
If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for "snow," does this
mean the French have a thousand different words for "surrender?" HOW TO MANAGE A COMPANY
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is
replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have
left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if
you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes
wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it
all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the
first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He
does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the
company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
NEVER ARGUE WITH AN IDIOT
Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.
BEST THING TO DO TO A POLITICIAN
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one
day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful
scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living
nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the
wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you
buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all
dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."
LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE MARKS
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he
surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a
spanking!"
SMACKING THE ASSHOLE
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to
frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the
asshole in the head.
IN A MEDICINE CLASS
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He
took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To
be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and
taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth." HOW TO MAKE A MAN WARM FOREVER
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
HOW LAZY WOMEN COOK
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire
station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke
detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
FOOTBALL ADDICT
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front
of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his
wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven." He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?" THE PSYCHO PATH
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path. TRICKS TO HAVE SEXX WITH GOD FEARING GIRL
A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her."
The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time. But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"
PRINCESS FROG
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog
pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll
stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and
puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a
talking frog is pretty neat." A BAG FULL OF FRUITS
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and
red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The
teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But
I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long,
yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've
got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've
got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she
cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter,
but I like your thinking!"
NOW YOU'RE FUC*KED
There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and
crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells
him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs
her.
The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and
asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been
kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her. The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again.
He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has
not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of
the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: "Now you're fucked." YOU'RE NEXT When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals. --
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| Feel Good Jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:22 PM PDT Feel Good Jokes
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
SOCIAL WORKER VS MUGGER
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your
life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I
have no money and no life." LOTTERY JOKES
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just
won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
MAC JOKES
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
MERITS OF HAVING A WIFE
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems." The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work. PREPARE THE ENVELOPES
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is
replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have
left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if
you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes
wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it
all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the
first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He
does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the
company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes". MEETING RULES FOR MANAGERS
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you
as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -
it's what everyone is waiting for.
FREE HOTLINE 4 MATH PROBLEMS
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
MATHEMATICIANS VS PHISICIST A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not
connected to the hydrant. What would you do? P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire. Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and
saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do? P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on
fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form. CUTE MAP READING The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." MICROSOFT SUCKS The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the
day they start making vacuum cleaners.
HOW TO BECOME A GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
MICROSOFT TECH SUPPORT
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple
of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is
fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out.
He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel
and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening
in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the
fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open
window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies:
"You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275
degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's
runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and
die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did
it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building
a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but
absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support
office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of
87 degrees."
MICROSOFT WINDOWS CD
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic
messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will
install Windows.
FAMILY OF MOLES
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful
spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of
the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the
hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole
ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple
syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole,
was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
--
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|
| Everyday Jokes Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:13 PM PDT Everyday Jokes http://www.laughingtonpost.com
OLD ITALIAN MAFIA DON JOKE
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his
bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45
automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really
don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od
bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be
with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, "TIMES UP"? HOW TO LOVE A WOMAN JOKE
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you
to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a
brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you
Lord, that Was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and
now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So
the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions
and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
THE ASSASSIN MANAGER JOKE
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor
told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a
farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the
farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought
that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting
in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his
surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to
cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager
will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was
done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the
farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one
box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of
the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the
potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult
jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and
dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions. WHATS A PERIOD JOKE
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself." HONEYMOON JOKES A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went. The 1st girl writes: M&M's. Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand." The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good." 3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."
HURRICANES VS WOMEN JOKE
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.
MATHEMATICIAN VS PHYSICIST JOKE
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not
connected to the hydrant. What would you do? P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire. Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and
saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do? P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on
fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
WHO IS THE IDIOT JOKE
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said
the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself."
BLONDE VS COMPUTER JOKE
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to put information into a computer once.
VISITING AFGHANISTAN JOKE
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that
since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind
their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist
asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. "No", the man replied. "Land-mines." KILLING VS FUCKIN JOKE
Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
WHY NOT TO KILL JOKE
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong? THE LAW OF PHILOSOPHY JOKE The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an
equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
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|
| DRINKING JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:11 PM PDT DRINKING JOKES http://thelovemanual.blogspot.com One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the
bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded
to beat the living shit out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and
said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the
Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first." http://thelovemanual.blogspot.com
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|
| DOG JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:09 PM PDT DOG JOKES http://www.laughingtonpost.com
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft
voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his
imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is
watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a
cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot
said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a
parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would
name their pit bull Jesus".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets
in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a
woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London
during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to
find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed
a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed
woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat,
hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him. "Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?
Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?" The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty
British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her
comfort for you." The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over
... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The
woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man
sitting across from her lowered his newspaper. "You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ...
you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out
the window." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the
bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free
drink?" The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal,
toilet's right down the hall."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at
the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then
the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine
down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on
and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was
printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks. That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical
science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated
into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it
in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same
buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following
message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come
to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the
thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns
blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
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| DOCTORS JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:08 PM PDT DOCTORS JOKES http://www.laughingtonpost.com/ An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in
first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the
old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and
bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns
the light on for me." The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes
into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?"
he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's
nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at
night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea
what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a
choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the
Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's
which was £100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the
Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man. "not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency
room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart
transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says,
"you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to
choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a
social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's". The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them
before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers
are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll
take the attorney's!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his
money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put
this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in
a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I
only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair
the roof of the church." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only
put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for
the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I
want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a
check for the full $30,000."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a
co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients.
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ... This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ...
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| DEBT JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:11 AM PDT DEBT JOKES BEST TIME TO REPAY A DEBT JOKE http://thedebtkiller.blogspot.com/
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly,
armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?" The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
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| DEATH JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:08 AM PDT DEATH JOKES http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/ If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed
when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. "But why?" asked his
puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"
The man leaned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of
them that died and not one of us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know what the death rate around here is?
One per person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and
nobody laughs at you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy
working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story,
when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to
land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss
looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick
crashed to the ground.
The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy". Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the
brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he
was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the
building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice,
fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD"
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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm
never going to stand in line again!" http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/ --
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| CHILDREN JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:06 AM PDT |
| F--UCK HE'S DEAD JOKES Posted: 18 Sep 2009 05:54 AM PDT |
| Posted: 18 Sep 2009 05:53 AM PDT |
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