| LITTLE SUSIE JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 06:05 PM PDT
| LITTLE SUSIE JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:23 AM PDT | | LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:18 AM PDT LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's
room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the
bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I
need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying
on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran
to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while
moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she
decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and
showed Little Johnny what was happening. Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said,
"I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls
off!"
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Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt
a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run
across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the
bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the
door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his
mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you
make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I
found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
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A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six,
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to believe in!"
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Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not." Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."
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There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local
corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but
the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he
was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To
prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a
nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.
One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took
him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you
grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd
stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
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Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he
surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a
spanking!"
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Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire
station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke
detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
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One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and
red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The
teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But
I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long,
yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've
got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've
got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she
cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter,
but I like your thinking!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping." --
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | LAWYERS JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:15 AM PDT LAWYERS JOKES http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com
http://daily-insults.blogspot.com
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If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema?
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and
neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of
me, do you?"
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted.
"We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had
$100 when we broke in!"
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The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they
will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the
attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.
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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
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A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency
room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart
transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says,
"you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to
choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a
social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's". The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them
before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers
are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll
take the attorney's!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his
money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put
this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in
a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I
only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair
the roof of the church." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only
put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for
the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I
want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a
check for the full $30,000." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems." The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in,
waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others
line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and
proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the
other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers,
"What is this?" The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? 1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it
gets blood. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt!"
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Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of
newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a
lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He
was escorted into the lawyer's office.
The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be,
so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?" "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions." "Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?" "Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he
had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by
the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached
the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels
and flung him over the table. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was
about one-tenth that hard." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to
a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology, but was cut off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with
three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
said simply, "I had no idea ..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give
any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
LAWYERS VS ANAL SX JOKES
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" THE LAWYER VS THE BLONDE JOKES
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
THE HONEST LAWYER JOKES
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. MURDERER LAWYER RAPIST JOKES
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a
lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
LAWYERS VS RATS JOKES
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they
will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the
attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.
--
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
 | | JUDGES JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:12 AM PDT JUDGES JOKES http://jokecrunch.blogspot.com
http://bangjokes.blogspot.com Journalists Judges Juries
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"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."
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Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he
had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by
the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached
the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels
and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was
about one-tenth that hard."
--
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www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
 | | JESUS JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:03 AM PDT JESUS JOKES
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft
voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his
imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is
watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a
cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot
said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a
parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would
name their pit bull Jesus".
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Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd
around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and
said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a
woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At
which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really
TICK ME OFF!"
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" --
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | INTELLIGENCE JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:01 AM PDT INTELLIGENCE JOKES What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and
this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just
roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take
a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She comes out and says she did it.
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There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local
corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but
the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he
was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To
prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a
nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.
One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took
him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you
grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd
stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde? There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot. --
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | HORSE JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:59 AM PDT HORSE JOKES http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com
http://daily-insults.blogspot.com An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to the nearest town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out
a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When
they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off. "Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service
station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off. "Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says:
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other
day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't
mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." --
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com  | | Hilarious Jokes Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:46 AM PDT NO MORE BUSH http://www.laughingtonpost.com
Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced
that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair
and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied
"Read my lips. No more Bush" SHOW ME YOUR LEGS
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me
$1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their
wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll
show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation
continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you
where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the
distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
MMM.....MM....GOOD
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went.
The 1st girl writes: M&M's. Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand." The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good." 3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop." GOLF RULES FOR BEGINNERS Golf rules for beginners: 1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes. Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off. JACK DANIELS VS BIG TITS
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits." IRISH HARD DRINKER A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the
Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first." CLUMSY IDIOT
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So
the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the
way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall
on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate
love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the
floor and says, "Clumsy idiot." HOW TO STOP JERKING OFF A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at
the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then
the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine
down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on
and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was
printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks. That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical
science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated
into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it
in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same
buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following
message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
COMPUTERS VS AIR CONDITIONERS
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you
open Windows.
HOW TO HEAR CONFESSION-FOR PRIESTS
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on',
and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says
those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?" HOW TO CONFUSE A BLOD
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She comes out and says she did it.
WHOM TO FIRE
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he
had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically
alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef." "Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the
gardener."
PROBLEMS WITH JOHNSON
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen
better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned
out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting
him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his
problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30
times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your
name isn't on it."
MAD COW DESEASE 2
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad
Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause
of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
WINDOWS
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100." Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?" HEART ATTACK The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor
told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a
farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the
farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought
that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting
in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his
surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to
cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager
will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was
done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the
farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one
box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of
the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the
potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult
jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and
dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.
POLITICIANS VS DIAPERS
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly ... and for the same reason. AFTER DIVORCE
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."
--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
 | | HEAVEN JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:43 AM PDT HEAVEN JOKES http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging
over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and
started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I
got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a
hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price. A LAWYERS HELL A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
 | | GOLF JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:38 AM PDT GOLF JOKES http://jokedictionary.blogspot.com
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and
President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over
water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated
partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3
golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home
from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his
dresser drawer.
The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every
time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the
drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I
guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what
is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Golf rules for beginners:
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes. Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot
routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the
clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please
back up to the men's tee, please!"
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's
tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Jim had had enough. He shouted: "Would the announcer in the clubhouse
kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
 | | GOD JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:34 AM PDT GOD JOKES http://jokecrunch.blogspot.com
http://jokeempire.blogspot.com
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in
first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the
old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and
bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns
the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes
into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?"
he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's
nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at
night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea
what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about
yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate
importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most
important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come
and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton
responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most
important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God
asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I
think you are sitting in my chair".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook
for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" she asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her."
The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time. But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the
"uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the
churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The
man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he
might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The
deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?" The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me
in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been
trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your mama is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light",
he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
 | |
| The Fatal Woman Posted: 20 Sep 2009 02:54 PM PDT |
| LITTLE SUSIE JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:23 AM PDT |
| LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:18 AM PDT LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's
room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the
bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I
need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying
on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran
to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while
moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she
decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and
showed Little Johnny what was happening. Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said,
"I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls
off!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt
a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run
across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the
bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the
door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his
mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you
make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I
found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six,
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to believe in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not." Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local
corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but
the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he
was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To
prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a
nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.
One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took
him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you
grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd
stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he
surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a
spanking!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire
station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke
detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and
red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The
teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But
I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long,
yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've
got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've
got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she
cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter,
but I like your thinking!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping." --
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| LAWYERS JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:15 AM PDT LAWYERS JOKES http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com
http://daily-insults.blogspot.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and
neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of
me, do you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted.
"We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had
$100 when we broke in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they
will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the
attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency
room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart
transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says,
"you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to
choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a
social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's". The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them
before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers
are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll
take the attorney's!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his
money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put
this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in
a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I
only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair
the roof of the church." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only
put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for
the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I
want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a
check for the full $30,000." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems." The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in,
waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others
line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and
proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the
other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers,
"What is this?" The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? 1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it
gets blood. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of
newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a
lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He
was escorted into the lawyer's office.
The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be,
so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?" "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions." "Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?" "Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he
had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by
the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached
the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels
and flung him over the table. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was
about one-tenth that hard." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to
a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology, but was cut off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with
three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
said simply, "I had no idea ..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give
any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
LAWYERS VS ANAL SX JOKES
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" THE LAWYER VS THE BLONDE JOKES
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
THE HONEST LAWYER JOKES
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. MURDERER LAWYER RAPIST JOKES
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a
lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
LAWYERS VS RATS JOKES
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they
will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the
attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.
--
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
|
| JUDGES JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:12 AM PDT JUDGES JOKES http://jokecrunch.blogspot.com
http://bangjokes.blogspot.com Journalists Judges Juries
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he
had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by
the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached
the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels
and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was
about one-tenth that hard."
--
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www.laughingtonpost.com
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
|
| JESUS JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:03 AM PDT JESUS JOKES
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft
voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his
imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is
watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a
cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot
said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a
parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would
name their pit bull Jesus".
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Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd
around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and
said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a
woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At
which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really
TICK ME OFF!"
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" --
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| INTELLIGENCE JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:01 AM PDT INTELLIGENCE JOKES What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and
this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just
roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take
a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She comes out and says she did it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local
corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but
the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he
was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To
prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a
nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.
One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took
him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you
grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd
stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
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Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde? There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot. --
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| HORSE JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:59 AM PDT HORSE JOKES http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com
http://daily-insults.blogspot.com An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to the nearest town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out
a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When
they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off. "Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service
station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off. "Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says:
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other
day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't
mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." --
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| Hilarious Jokes Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:46 AM PDT NO MORE BUSH http://www.laughingtonpost.com
Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced
that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair
and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied
"Read my lips. No more Bush" SHOW ME YOUR LEGS
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me
$1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their
wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll
show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation
continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you
where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the
distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
MMM.....MM....GOOD
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went.
The 1st girl writes: M&M's. Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand." The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good." 3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop." GOLF RULES FOR BEGINNERS Golf rules for beginners: 1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes. Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off. JACK DANIELS VS BIG TITS
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits." IRISH HARD DRINKER A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the
Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first." CLUMSY IDIOT
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So
the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the
way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall
on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate
love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the
floor and says, "Clumsy idiot." HOW TO STOP JERKING OFF A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at
the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then
the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine
down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on
and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was
printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks. That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical
science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated
into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it
in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same
buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following
message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
COMPUTERS VS AIR CONDITIONERS
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you
open Windows.
HOW TO HEAR CONFESSION-FOR PRIESTS
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on',
and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says
those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?" HOW TO CONFUSE A BLOD
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? She comes out and says she did it.
WHOM TO FIRE
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he
had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically
alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef." "Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the
gardener."
PROBLEMS WITH JOHNSON
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen
better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned
out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting
him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his
problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30
times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your
name isn't on it."
MAD COW DESEASE 2
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad
Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause
of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
WINDOWS
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100." Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?" HEART ATTACK The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor
told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a
farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the
farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought
that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting
in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his
surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to
cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager
will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was
done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the
farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one
box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of
the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the
potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult
jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and
dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.
POLITICIANS VS DIAPERS
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly ... and for the same reason. AFTER DIVORCE
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."
--
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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
|
| HEAVEN JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:43 AM PDT HEAVEN JOKES http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging
over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and
started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I
got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a
hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
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In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price. A LAWYERS HELL A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
--
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www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
|
| GOLF JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:38 AM PDT GOLF JOKES http://jokedictionary.blogspot.com
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
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Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and
President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over
water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated
partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
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A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3
golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home
from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his
dresser drawer.
The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every
time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the
drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I
guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what
is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
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Golf rules for beginners:
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes. Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
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It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot
routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the
clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please
back up to the men's tee, please!"
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's
tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Jim had had enough. He shouted: "Would the announcer in the clubhouse
kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
--
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www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com
|
| GOD JOKES Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:34 AM PDT GOD JOKES http://jokecrunch.blogspot.com
http://jokeempire.blogspot.com
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in
first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the
old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and
bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns
the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes
into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?"
he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's
nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at
night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea
what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again."
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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about
yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate
importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most
important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come
and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton
responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most
important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God
asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I
think you are sitting in my chair".
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After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook
for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
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Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" she asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."
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A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her."
The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time. But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"
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A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the
"uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the
churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The
man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he
might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The
deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?" The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me
in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been
trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your mama is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light",
he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
--
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